The Forgiveness Struggle

I struggle with forgiveness or a lack of forgiveness, depending on how you look at it.

The last time I harbored hatred and nursed unforgiveness, it took me 14 years to get beyond it. Because of that experience, I know the big gulp of freedom that forgiveness brings. In the moment that I hung my hatred on a hook and stopped paying heed to my “right” to unforgiveness, I literally felt walls breaking. The rivers of resolution crashed over me and cleansed me fully. It was easily one of the best days of my entire existence. I long for that again. So, why do I deny myself the rich experience that I had before? Why?

I have already given this person 21 years to get it right. I cannot spare another 14 deciding to forgive the fact that not only did he never get it right but that he got it more wrong than a football stadium of the dregs of society on their worst day.

I ache for apathy where there is anger. I feel wronged, but I don’t want to. I am free from the disappointment and the what-should-have-been’s, but the unforgiveness settles over me, assaults me, tires me.

I desperately want no connection and have none, but the inability to forgive keeps me tied somehow. I long to cut the cord, burn the braid, shake off the shackle. But, I don’t.

If forgiveness is a choice, then why I can’t I just make the choice already? Why do I feel captive to making the choice I don’t want?

Forgiveness of him = Freedom for me. But, I want the freedom without the forgiveness. I want to cheat the process and get what I want on my terms because, truth be known, I feel like I earned it. And therein, lies the problem. It doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t work my way.

And so my struggle goes on until the day it ends. I believe it will. The pain ended, the sorrow ended, the danger ended. Why not the struggle to forgive?

Sure, it will end. Wish it were today.

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6 responses to “The Forgiveness Struggle

  1. You described the process of forgiving and why it is so hard, so well Daphne. I think yo are a better person than me, I find it almost impossible to forgive a handful of people for things I can’t forgive/forget. But when it comes to the smaller issues, I am always eager to forgive and let go.

  2. I decided it was and still is NOT important ,for me In my situation, to forgive him. I struggle with forgiving myself. For me it isn’t about him, it’s about me and I’m better on working on forgiving me since we as individuals have to see in ourselves what we have after picking up ourselves from the hurt and pain. I’ simply from one person to another just put out there I forgive him, whether he knows it for not.I wish you the very best on your journey out.

    • Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. I did also go through forgiving myself because I realized that I, for all intents and purposes, had abandoned myself. It is not important at all for him to know that I forgive him. He truly does not matter. I want to forgive for my own sake. Honestly, after posting this I started to feel more like it could really happen. Thank you so much for sharing and for your good wishes.

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