BASIC BITCH

Said to you over and over and over

again and again and again

oftentimes you have to move on

without knowing why

someone hurt you…

Never thought I would give

those words

to myself

about you…

Maybe I outgrew you…

your constant miniature crises

your claim on my time at your leisure

your tramping in your own misplaced footsteps

over and over and over

again and again and again…

just like I used to…

Maybe you grew tired

of my slow ascent

of my sudden winning

of my surrender to love of self

over and over and over

again and again and again

cause I refused to

keep resuscitating

what was of no use

to me anymore…

Maybe I am of no use to you anymore…

Somewhere in your shaky world

of not good enough

ever, not ever

no, never will be

cause you don’t know how to be

maybe you grew tired

of my fire

of my words

of my force…

And so you crossed a line…

shooting venom over your shoulder

in my direction

as you took

that sloppy leap…

suddenly finding a supposed backbone

against the purest support you’ve ever known…

Did you

flirt and flit

with the line

for a bit…

considering what it might

feel like

on the other side?

Did you delight

in your decision

to drag me

in the dirt as

you decimated that line

knowing the side left behind

will never bear your weight again?

But maybe I outgrew you…

your weighty weakness

your obvious oblivion

your inability to see and explore your magic…

And maybe you grew tired

of my evident expansion

of my striking spunk

my ability to see and explore my magic…

Not superior as you labeled

Different…

Different because I am not

mastered by mania

for the accolades

for the affirmation

for the affection

of a man

as you so plainly are…

Not superior to you…

Different from you…

And since I no longer

walk in my own footsteps

it is farewell to you…

The basic bitch

who doesn’t have to be

but doesn’t even know she has a choice…

So damn basic…

Oh, yeah…

And fuck you

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Falling in the River

For so long my ever wish was

of living in the river

sunning in the echo

of engineered dreams…

so much so that I prematurely

rested all my substance

on flotation devices

riddled with red flags

buckled with blackened holes

willing them to keep me afloat…

no regard for their cocksure collapse

no regard for their destined decline

no regard for my own

chronic choking of water…

Then, suddenly, the bather wore a new skin

I had no affection for

living in the river

sunning in the river

or even being in the damn river…

I wasn’t even sure the shore was

a safe place for me…

Then, suddenly, the bather wore a new skin

and here I am flirting with the idea of

holding my breath under

clear blue glitter river droplets

that parade through my floating black hair…

coming up for unfamiliar air

even as I am

holding sparkling waves of once confusion

in my hand like a puppet master

flirting with the idea of living in the river

with you

just with you…

not with your potential if

only you didn’t have so many

damn flags and holes…

But you

just you

in the river

where we wear

the wetness

like new skin

In the Morning

In the last minutes

before the alarm

my mind works to hold the

weight of your strong thigh

across my body…

the feel of your

quick-pause-quick

sleep breaths

against the back of my neck..

the way my breast fits perfectly

in your cupped hand…

and the feel of your skin

against my stroking thumb.

The alarm sounds

the spell is broken…

Forced to disentangle my body from yours,

I miss you before I’m gone

and my heart beats

whispers of words

I cannot yet speak

My Inner Child is a Stubborn Little Bitch

Well, she’s not really a little bitch, but she is pretty damn stubborn.  Most days, I adore that little girl with her you-have-to-wash-them-out-cause-you-can’t-brush-them-out curls.  But, she led me down a treacherous trail to a marriage to an abusive and narcissistic psychopath because he made it okay for me to be angry and she needed that.  She now leads me around to date after date looking only to realize her little girl fantasies because she needs them to live outside my mind.  It isn’t her fault completely.  She’s just a little girl whose unmet needs and unresolved anger shaped me and nearly allowed my assured ruin.

She missed out on the family life she wanted, the one she felt she had a claim to.  Maybe, she did have a right to an expectation of a healthy and intact family life, but she didn’t get it.  Certainly, not in the package she wanted.  So, there it is…she missed out and someone was going to get her what she wants – that someone became me.

As a consequence of my unsettled anger, I made choices and sometimes fell into situations I do not believe I would have if my extreme emotions had been explored and set free.  But, no one was watching my downward spiral.  No one understood or even saw the effects of their actions on me.  So, I coped as most children did in the 70s and 80s before therapy was commonplace, alone and on my own – just being and not progressing through the damage and grief ensuing from my real and perceived abandonment due to my parents’ divorce.

Not being shown how to work through my pain in a safe and honest place, I became ripe prey for someone who knew how to influence a person tethered to her daddy issues.  He made it acceptable for me to have anger.  He did not help me through it of course.  That wasn’t his game plan.  Instead, he acknowledged it, which is all I ever wanted, but then he used it to exploit and manipulate me into believing he was all I would ever have and at least he wasn’t leaving so take what I could get.  He used my unreconciled past, among other things, to fence in the best of me.  And I existed and endured in that psychological prison for 21 years.

Since I put my freedom back on several years ago, the little one inside has brought up those unfulfilled desires.  She says, “Here’s my chance.  That maniac is gone.  Now, I can get what I’ve been waiting for all this time.  Let’s do it!”

But, she only looks out for herself.  I’m a means to an end for her.  She has all the gritty strength of mind and floods with optimism at the end of a select few of these dates while I get all the sorrow and disenchantment when things do not go according to her plans.  She’s – well, she’s a child.

I’m not angry at her, though.  I love her.  I really love her.  I know her pain.  I feel her pain.  Her pain is mine.  But, it’s in the past.  It’s not part of my present.  For me, it’s done.  For her, that’s all there is.

So, tonight, I will let her climb into the lap of my mind and I’ll hold her and stroke those stubborn curls as I try to persuade her though I may never be able to give her that which she believes she needs to be whole, she will never – not ever – be alone again.  And, maybe – just maybe – we can be whole together.

 

Paper Doll

She was made for this,
She was the vibration of marbles falling to the hardwood floor.
And the jolting sound of playful knocking at my knobless bedroom door.
She was a faint calling to the kitchen, from the bottom of the stairs.
She was the stifled sobbing of a heavy head, demanding I be there.
She was many things I’d left behind, as holy to me as they were small.
She was the joy of my last Thanksgiving dinner, and the sadness of a tattered paper doll.

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The Dance

Wild Heart Scribe

Purple beneath me

and to both sides…

genesis of

sunrise sky

above and around…

crossed limbs

opened palms

sense of

chilling space

above and around…

you claimed

my attention

at the start

but eyes soon closed

to the unfolding,

leaving

only sound to

pave my way…

but you

lifted my chin

coaxed my

eyes to open…

I looked up,

you found me

again

and you danced in

fluid circles

at first…

at first

you danced in

fluid circles

then quick floating

darts here

then there…

dazzling my being

wooing my essence

with your

flight

flow

flurry…

you danced for me…

the haze that tailed

your movement

as absorbing as

your seraphic light

until impulsively

you burst into

atmospheric dust

once,

twice,

lost count,

reaching

away

rippling

away

from your center

like a firework,

my mouth wide

in wonder

in homage

in applause…

then back to the dance

until the solis…

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Love Is For…

Love is for suckers…

or maybe its for believers

Was I the sucker

or was I the believer?

Maybe I just sucked you dry

or maybe you never believed

A futile tale –

twisting side to side

landing on its back

feet kicking against

the low hung ceiling of

it is what it is

No princesses and princes

No,

soldiers and victims

warriors and prey

Suckers and Believers

We all play our roles unaware

until we are…

AWARE…

and then

and only then

is love lived…

by the suckers and believers

Make Believe

I hear my mind call your name randomly throughout my day

and there is a part of me that hopes it skips along that

invisible line that connects me to you

hoping there is a line connecting you back to me

wanting you to hear my yearning

wanting you to never know

wanting you to answer

wanting it to all remain unspoken

a secret I can pretend to never whisper

so I never have to know you pretend not to hear

The Trench That Darkness Builds

Wild Heart Scribe

Is it time for you to
not see me with opened eyes?
Has the time come for you
to hollow out your circle trench
and stand on panting ground
in the middle?
Is it time for me to plunge
across the waters of partition
that march in?
My cool water cries
splash sizzles on your face…
not enough to bring you back
you’re too far
inside
so I swim away
pull myself up and over
the dirt edge
built by darkness.
It’s hard for me to sit
on the sunny bank
calling out to you that
I’m still here…
what must it be like for you?
Yes, harder…
I know…
harder to suffer the middle
where darkness swells
and light shrinks
where your domain of dirt
sabotages…
so I lie back in the grass
wait to dry
wait for your trench to fill
wait for you to walk back to…

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Make Me a Believer

Nothing has changed…

Wild Heart Scribe

Everything I give to you

I give from the abundance

of my heart

I am genuinely imperfect…

I am genuine…

No final door

you can close

can stop my flow

I wouldn’t turn the knob

I would seep under

I would bleed through the wood

to get to you

No wall of fear

you can hide behind

can keep me from finding you

I wouldn’t scale it

I would blast it to bits

to be with you

No river of regret

you can succumb to

can keep me on the shore

I wouldn’t swim across

I would blend into the waters

to rescue you

I won’t chase you

I’ll make you a believer

I won’t run you over

I’ll make you a believer

I won’t stop till

You are a believer

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